Conditional Compassion

I am not sure where I heard it or who I could attribute the statement to, but the following saying is something that has stuck with me over the past few years: I never want to treat someone based on how they treat me. Isn’t that wonderful? To operate in this world without the sway or influence of someone’s behavior or attitude is a great ideal to work toward. However, it is much easier to say that phrase than to practice it.

When this assignment was given out during Monday’s class, to write about how and who and when to choose compassion and what those conditions may be, that phrase leapt immediately to my mind. If we are to view compassion as being deeply attuned to our suffering and that of others, with the desire to alleviate it, doesn’t it make sense to not practice conditional compassion? The person who wrongs us, the ex who broke our heart, the parent who turned a blind eye to the trauma we may have experienced—they all deserve as much care and understanding as a hospice patient, a distraught child, or an aging parent at the end of their life. Reserving compassion for one group over another introduces biases that we have, and can we truly call ourself a compassionate being if the giving of empathy is conditional? I tend to think not, and I would prefer that my own petty insecurities and damaged ego not play a part in the love and empathy I want to show up with in the world.

Perhaps the conditions depend more on where we are as individuals and recognizing when we are at our limit. After my hospice visit each week, I know I need to reset and recharge, which often takes the form of a longer drive home, and a nice cup of tea when I do arrive. If I were to move from one patient to another, without the space to decompress and reset, would I be as present and available? I honestly don’t know. Perhaps we also have to look at the scale of our compassion; it is one thing to practice kindness and empathy in our local community and quite another when we try to ramp that up to the global scale. Compassion for all the world all the time seems like a daunting feat, and in doing so, we are not being compassionate toward ourself. We become depleted. Again, here, I wonder if that’s true. If compassion is limitless, can it actually be conditional? All that to say, I honestly don’t have answers; I only have questions. And I am hoping this class will help guide me toward a few answers.