Some Days Are Harder Than Others

Today, this morning in particular, is a rough one. I recite my matra, patience and kindness, kindness and patience, but it doesn’t seem to help this morning. I’m doing the work: making new friends, keeping my days full, trying new things that scare me (I take a motorcycle course in an hour). I’m pushing myself to be out in the world because the alternative is to sit here, in my slowly furnishing apartment that still doesn’t feel exactly like home, and finger the anxiety that is at the corner of my mind. And that isn’t something I want to do.

So, why do some days, some hours, still produce sadness? Why haven’t I moved on? This is partly a rhetorical question. I think a lot has to do with having given my whole heart to my ex, leaving nothing on the table. There was always the sense that I was more involved in the relationship, that I adapated and moved into the space that was carved out for me as a couple. Our power dynamic, when it came to our hearts and love, was always skewed. Should I have held back? Does the pain I’m going through now cause me to be wary of a next relationship? There is a part of me that fears what I am dealing with will give me pause at the beginning of something new. I’m more wary at handing over my heart so freely and completely. This isn’t something I want. I want to be myself, the person my ex fell in love with, and a big part of that is I go whole hog in. There is no halfway, half-assed, in between state. I am either one hundred per cent or not at all.

I know this will pass, everything does. Nothing is permanent. Knowing this doesn’t make this time any easier, though, you know that, right? And knowing this doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could go back, either never meeting my ex or fixing things so that we remained together. I’m done with the hurt, I’m done with the sadness. Can I erase memories like Jim Carrey did in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Can I just scrubbed the painful bits, maybe even the good bits, from this rough mind of mine? Can I give back these emotions? Is there a refund policy since these feelings no longer fit right? I want them out. I want them gone. I want to be rid of her.

And yet, I miss her, I miss us. I miss my best friend. But there is no going back, there is no relief. There is only doing the time, moving through it, moving beyond. Shit, this sucks.